How I keep my New Years Resolutions

It’s Friday my favourite day of the week. One week into my new years resolutions and I’m doing great. Here’s my resolutions and why I’m doing so well:

1) Lose weight

I will start with the easiest one to keep. Lose weight until I’m supermodel thin. I know, it’s crazy and unrealistic, BUT it makes me feel better when I am eating chocolate cake because I KNOW that trying to achieve supermodel skinniness is a foolish endeavour and can only be accomplished with a muzzle and good diet drugs like cocaine or crystal meth. I don’t own a muzzle, the good drugs are illegal and in the end . . . I’m left with this really nice piece of cake. Look, it’s twisted logic but whatever it takes so I can eat chocolate cake while surfing the net for good celebrity gossip, guilt free, works in my world.

2) Work out more

I get my workouts in so I don’t even notice them. I workout with the occasional walk/cardio in my routine and some weight training. My walks from one end of the vast Costco parking lot from my car to the entrance and back again while pushing a heavy Costco cart with a broken wheel is my cardio. When the cart is full of *groceries I get points (in my book) for weight training. If I shopped at Costco more I would be in the best shape ever but there is only so much shopping a girl can do in a week which brings me to my next resolution.

*The crispy fries I buy at the concession are necessary energy for that walk.

3) Spend Less Money

I’m the mom. That means I spend 90% of our disposable income. I do all the shopping. I buy all the food, clothing, cleaning supplies, medication, car repairs, house repairs, wants and needs of the whole family. I have started to delegate all that spending. I give the occasional list to my hubby when he walks out the door. Now that my son drives he gets a list and some cash also. Online shopping is another wonderful way to delegate all that spending. I have accounts already set up so I’m not even pulling out my credit card. Context is everything. (or is it denial?) As long as I’m not spending or I am one step removed from actually touching cash or credit cards I am spending less. Next item:

4) Be a nicer person

I am a nice person. About 10 days out of the month I am very pleasant and nice. The rest of the month is divided up just so: I have about 7 days of  bitchy p.m.s.  and the other 14 days? I am a mother and stepmother of two teenagers  ‘nough said.

5) Be a ‘Better’ Parent

An acquaintance with grown kids once said to me, while we were lamenting how difficult it can be to raise kids: “in the end, you’re either paying for bail or tuition.” He had a point. Yes, my delusions of being in control of my children and their lives ended pretty quick the day my precious toddler screamed “NO” and had a full out tantrum in the middle of a public place full of old ladies tut tutting and on another lovely day *when the police showed up at my door to speak to my teenage son. That was the day I threw up my hands in surrender and started drinking more, which in the end, made me a much calmer, kinder parent.

*police incident was resolved with no jail time

6) Drink less

See # 5