The Number one Reason Married People are Celibate.

Children. Yes. Kids. Your lovely offspring. Those darling sweet children. From the moment they are born until they leave the house sex and children don’t mix.

Here’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

I had the worst pms this month. Sore boobs, itchiness/moodiness/scratchiness (the scratch is referring to a mood not a skin scratch) don’t talk to me unless you tell me I look like a supermodel. Eventually, my period ended and I felt like a normal human being again. A really horny one. I was feeling so smug. I’m married. I don’t have to be a (reasonably) celibate single person anymore. Sex shouldn’t be a problem. The months of dry spells are over. Yahoo. I get to seduce my husband. How much fun is that?

Add two 17 year old teenagers and a four year old child to the seduction equation and my plans to get it on with my hubby turned into a late night food fest with a wide awake child between us.

I woke up the other day ready to go. I told Aaron I couldn’t wait to see him tonight. I told him I would keep Noah up all day so he’d go to bed early and we could get it on. Yay! I had visions of lube and chandeliers (don’t ask) dancing in my head for most of the day.

Noah was up to his usual shenanigans but I was fine ‘cause I was getting some and nothing was going to ruin my day. As the day neared the end so did my patience with Noah’s mischievous, dumping flour all over the floor, drawing on my walls, busyness . . . The last straw was, as I was cooking dinner and distracted for a moment, Noah had gone into the bathroom (usually locked from the outside but in may haste to pee and get back to my hot skillet I neglected to lock the bathroom door behind me on my way out) and taken my nail polish remover. He dumped the bottle of nail polish remover on my couch. My beautiful purple couch. The smell of nail polish remover got me into the living room and there it was . . . nail polish remover spilled all over my couch.

Now, you could say. “hey, it’s only an ugly couch who cares . . . it’s only stuff” and be all zen about it. It’s only stuff right? The thing is, I was zen all day: the crayon all over my walls, (I can buy a mr clean eraser it’s ok) orange felt all over the carpet,(it’s a cheap carpet one day I will have a nice one) flour dumped on the floor, ( I own a vacuum cleaner no big deal) the tantrum in the paint store, (I’m in public I can’t scream just yet) grabbing at candies in the store, whining, screaming wanting and screaming again. (that’s o.k. I’m getting some tonight keep smiling) I was at the point where, when I saw large spill of nail polish remover on my couch, I lost it completely. The kind of critical mass upset that only happens once a year. Month. Week. you get the idea.

I calmed down eventually. I went to the basement to sit with Aaron and watch t.v. while Noah jumped around us. I sat and twitched and gnawed on my nails. I was still reverberating from my upset.

Eventually, at about 7:30, I got Noah to bed and my horny mood was gone completely. I was pissy, stressed and annoyed. It didn’t help that I couldn’t get the couch cover back on. I had washed the cover and I think it had shrunk and it had a large horrible, crusty, white mark on it that I was hoping to hide behind a cushion . For future reference nail polish remover does not wash out.

After a good battle with the couch cover, I lit some candles, poured myself a drink, and sat on the couch with my hubby in hopes of salvaging the mood from the morning. We were having a lovely time and getting ready to move into the bedroom when Luukas got home. He sat in the living room and started talking to us about his evening. We politely listened. Noah was sleeping. We had some time to listen to Luukas’ story. My patient, happy smile was on and I had lube and chandeliers dancing in my head again.

Then Luukas' friend Lenea arrived. She got to the door, knocked, and Luukas YELLED out “COME IN”! I cringed, and said “shhhh you’re going to wake Noah up”. Noah usually sleeps through anything but the house had been pretty quiet and the sudden noise . . . woke him up.

Noah came out of the bedroom screaming and crying . . . ”mommy!” . . . There was no putting him right back to bed. He was up and miserable. Usually a pat on the back and a snuggle and Noah goes right back to sleep but not this night. By the time I got Noah calmed down he was wide awake and UP. Aaron started to forage around in the fridge for food. Aaron, Noah and I got into bed, ate, watched a bit of t.v. and eventually we all fell asleep.

So, instead of great sex we ate and chomped while watching a rerun of Seinfeld. No sex. Just food. Noah was sitting between us happily eating with mama and daddy. See? Food instead of sex. This is why I’m not a size 6. It’s not for lack of exercise or not enough veggies. It’s emotional. Rather than great sex we eat and stuff our mouths so we don’t have to think about what we are missing out on. As a matter of fact I’m going to go in the kitchen right now and have another piece of toast with my coffee. With a nice thick slice of cheese. Yum.

(thank you Holly for the inspiration you are truly my muse)